• Straight to Video
• Director: Samuel Bradford
• Written by: Samuel Bradford
• Running Time: 85 minutes
• Language: English
• MPAA Rating: R - Restricted
• Cast: Clu Gulager , Karen Carlson, Beau Bishop, Angie Brown, Evans Dietz, Edd Anderson, Jude Gerard Prest, Art Ruggles, Joey Terracina, Rose Smith, David Lewis, Mick Lane, Sherry Farmer, Ginger Folmer, Michele Kimpler, Jennifer Kimpler, Beverly Martin, Mack McCullough, Betty Jo LeBrun

"Teen Vamp” is a hard film to pin down, in that it seems to exist within its own world in its own timeline. The setting is never clarified, though judging from a deceptive reference to Korea, it’s the 1950s sometime. The characters, so blatantly stereotypical by design, are mere murmurs in its nostalgiac landscape, that is until fate intervenes and they become modest bloody-toothed rock stars teetering on invincibility and self-destruction, all of which is set against a small Middle American High school backdrop. I know that there are some modern teenage alienation messages at work here, beneath the surface, but I’m simply not up to the task of delving into them right now. So, for the time being, I’ll stick to the exterior stuff. With the advent of "Twilight", a film about some angst-ridden teenage vampires to be released in the next few months, I felt it was time to revisit this crusty old nugget, which, in some circles, it is being compared with.

First, to know where we are going we have to know where we began and in this case, it was 1985 and the release of a certain Michael J. Fox movie. Hoping to cash in on the success of the hugely popular and surprisingly charming Fox comedic vehicle “Teen Wolf”, this film was obviously rushed into production based on the fuzziest notions of a script. The outcome is so far removed from whatever preconceived ideas the producers must have had that it is not even remotely funny. Unlike the Fox comedy, this one elects to steer away from the intractable jesting about twenty minutes into the proceedings when the central simpleton character confides to a friend after being rejected from his dream girl; “For some reason, I’ve been thinking a lot about dying lately.” Hinted at in this line, there is a surprisingly dark undercurrent running through the piece with only mometary gesticulations towards its comedic origins. In the end, it's a project that strives to find a sincere tone but, sadly, thanks to an inexperienced director at the helm, and numerous other problems evident, it never does. 

At 17 years of age, Murphy Gilchriese (Beau Bishop) is fully aware of his status in his high school social hierarchy. He’s a nobody -- a nobody who covets the high school football star’s girlfriend. Reminding you of some other teen comedies you’ve seen? Well, we’re only getting started. Trust me, it gets worse. This film borrows from so many other more superior films that it can be quite time consuming trying to figure out each and every one. The dream girl is a blond haired beauty named Conny Sutton (Angie Brown), and she’s fully aware of Murphy’s interest, but prefers the dangerousness of the current romantic situation she’s in, or at least it seems that way. As it turns out, her boyfriend, Bucky Ryder (Evans Dietz), is a juiced up jock who has no problem showing her what the back of his hand feels like from time to time. It’s one of many deep dark secrets she’s hiding from family and friends.

After being chased away from a party by Conny’s thug like stud muffin, Murphy and his best friend, Dalbert Heiney (Edd Anderson), decide to check out a local house of ill repute in the hopes of getting their grind on. They don’t have enough money to pay for both spelunking expeditions but Murphy hopes that by utilizing his virtuous qualities, he might be able to score a pity fuck for his friend. As it turns out, this hooker isn’t really on board with that idea. In fact this prostitute is actually a beautiful, raven-haired vampire, and she’s nibbling on Murphy’s neck about three minutes after getting him alone in her room. Shades of “My Best Friend is A Vampire” here as his buddy, waiting out in the car, is forced to bust down the door, gather up his dazed and bloodied pal, and make a mad getaway into the night. This is where things get strange (or stranger) as Murphy and friend deduce, within minutes, that he’s a vampire and that the situation is out of their hands. No beating around the bush here, or contemplating other more sane reasons for the vampiric qualities of said hooker –nope, these guys get right to the point. Murphy is a fucking vampire. Boom! To say that I was surprised by this hastened decree would be an understatement. Almost by principle, these types of films usually spend ten to twenty minutes allowing the central character (and turnee) to realize and assess his sudden vampireness. The exclamation point is placed following a collision with a deer, where Murphy finds himself on his knees draining the beast of its blood as his friend observes in practical shock and horror. Back inside the vehicle, Murphy literally covered in blood, and with his eyes taking on a spooky demonic composition (kick ass contacts, I must admit), can only muster, “This is so disgusting!” Indeed it is.

Before the middle half of the flick, things will take an even more perplexing turn as Murphy, dealing with his sudden indoctrination into the fraternity of the undead by becoming the coolest kid in school, daddy-o, munches down on his arch nemesis during a poorly staged fight sequence - thus turning him. For whatever reason, his sudden Fonzie transformation; slicking his hair back and wearing a bulky black leather jacket, seems to catch Conny’s eye. She’s hot to trot for him now, but that just leads to even bigger problems, as Murphy quickly discovers during a shoddily executed final act. Conny’s odd fascination with a house in town where a woman decapitated her two twin daughters as they lay sleeping in bed (and promptly switched their heads), gives light to some other more frightening things about her, things that Murphy probably wasn’t counting on when he finalized their first date details. At the same time, his devoutly religious mother (Karen Carlson -- doing her best Piper Laurie from "Carrie" impersonation) and a local fire and brimstone reverend (Clu Gulager), attempt to exorcise the evil entity that they believe has taken hold of Murphy, ironically making his life a living hell. 

"Teen Vamp” is designed as a comedy, but fuck, there’s very little to laugh at here. This film is a mess from start to finish, beginning immediately with its inability to find and maintain any real tone, as I mentioned. There's a certain dullard-paced quality to it all, as situations play out far too long and for reasons that seem, strangely, unwarranted. The characters are perfunctory or unlikeable and we never, not once, identify with any of them. Clu Gulager's arrival in the film, arising from an obvious lost bet I'm guessing, feels quite pointless and serves no purpose in the overall. This is made especially clear when he skip-dances through a cheap mock-up of Max Von Sydow's famous scene from "The Exorcist" only to be met by befuddled eyes, from the other actors in the room and his own. You can practically here the little devil on his shoulder screaming, "This is so stupid!" As Murphy, Beau Bishop is a wash. He's the kind of bland extra-turned-lead who brings only knowledge of his lines to the project and not much else. He has zero charisma and his scenes, even the one he's naked in, are as interesting as watching paint dry. The fact that he was able to parlay some guest stints on some hit television shows into a leading role in a movie should, at the very least, be commended. 

Angie Brown, in the role of Conny Sutton, is a small treat. Having appeared in the gory slasher flick "Don't Go In The Woods" nearly a decade earlier, she brings something inexplicable to her equally inexplicable character. Conny isn't the typical dumb blond love interest we've become accustomed to in movies like these. No, this girl has some psychotic tendencies, evidenced when her history of mental illness is brought to light. This brings a whole other dimension to the film, especially in its final moments. For some reason, I kind of liked this change of pace -- as it somewhat reminded me of Christian Slater's J.D. character in "Heathers". Sadly, as with everything else in this film, the writers don't really do anything of value with her. Granted, in kind, I did like the scene with the vampire and Dalbert at the end. That was actually kind of bad ass in its own way.

There isn't a whole heck of a lot to take away from this film as it fails to resonate on any level. Five minutes after turning this sucker off, I found myself at a loss to remember what happened. That's a bad bad sign. This is a bad bad movie. Avoid this at all costs.

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